"Spoiler alerts. Do not read unless you want to know stuff."
I could hear them off in the distance. A town filled with desolation and despair from 60 years of economic decline due to one dragon's peculiar addiction to gold. (No. The name of the seaport was not Detroit.) A town lead by a crooked man who just wanted the people to blindlessly follow him. A greasy man who loved his alcohol. And a sidekick who was even greasier and dressed in black. The town itself used to be a hub of merchant trading but ever since the dwarfs lost their mountain to Smaug, economic decay and poverty was their trademark. But now, because of a team of dwarfs and one burglar, the town was threatened with annihilation by the beast who's name is Smaug. This was how Hobbit 2 ended. Our story began with an initial meeting between Gandolph the Grey and Thorin in a tavern. If Gandolph hadn't of shown up, the little dwarf king was about to be (que the music - dum, dum, dummmmm) murdered. So, Thorin and Gandolph agree to take back the mountain. Now, in our first episode of The Hobbit, our troup of adventurers find themselves dropped off on a hill by some really big birds. The Eagles, not to be confused with the group who gave us Hotel California, are no where to be seen in Hobbit 2. In fact, they were pretty embarrassed by the whole rescue scene where they kept dropping the little guys and having to fly in and catch them. But I digress ... the gang of eleven and the wizard and a Hobbit named Bilbo begin the second leg of their journey through a forest filled with evil mutant spiders. Now the evil is so thick that it alters the mind into seeing strange things and causes the traveler to feel confused and disoriented. It reminded me of my senior trip to St. Louis so many years ago. I was 18 and spiders still seemed pretty big to me. And I remember how confused I felt in "the big city". There were no spider webs though. And I was never wrapped up in a cocoon so the similarities are minimal. That's when the elves came. Not the St. Louis elves. Actually, these are the ancient pretty ones. I never actually saw any elves on my senior trip but it wasn't really that time of year. So, the elves save the dwarfs and then throw them in prison. I guess that would be my first instinct after saving someone's life as well. It's pretty typical of an elves' to-do list - 1. Hang out in the forest. 2. Kill the big spiders. 3. Imprison anyone we find in any cocoons. 4. Get yelled at by the head elf 'cause we didn't kill all the spiders the first time. 6. Fall in love with a dwarf which adds NOTHING to our story. Well, it may have given the two elves an excuse to go off on another daring adventure after being ordered not to leave the elf land but how was she supposed to know that when she left without regard for herself cause that one dwarf was soooooo adorable and he had that shiny stone his mother had given him. An elf's life is hard. So Bilbo uses his ring to hide from the bad/good elves and ends up rescuing the dwarves (again). Now escapes are hard, especially when your captors are asleep ten feet away from you. So, the best thing to do is make the loudest noise possible and steel all the wooden barrels. But it does make for an exciting barrel chase/execution down the river with elves jumping on your heads while the ravenous evil orks are trying to kill everybody. So, at this point, the Orks have been outwitted (who could have seen that one coming?) and our heroes continue on down the river. Enter the strange human with a boat. It's at this point one of the wise dwarves decides to reason with the guy in the boat (who just happens to be an important descendant of the marksman who should have shot down the dragon when he first attacked the mountain. He did actually hit the dragon but just knicked him (sort of). So, as convenient coincidences go, this one was very useful in our story. Now fish, when used in any story, are always a crowd pleaser. Especially when you're a dwarf stuffed into a wooden barrel being transported into a convenient city which just happened to be the home of the guy who should have shot down the dragon but didn't and you're covering the heads of the dwarves in the barrels. Fish are useful that way. So, after many confusing chases through the town, and after being hidden by the family of the man who is the descendant of the man who happened to not be a dwarf but served as the human who manned the most advanced weapon using the most advanced iron arrows which are the only one which can pierce the armor of any dragon, our heroes find themselves being given a heroes send off to reclaim their rightful place in the mountain. So, they make their way to the invisible door in the mountain and give up when the sun goes down and all hope is lost. But the Hobbit won't give up. Because he knows the movie needs to last another hour and he needs to get paid for the third episode of this epic adventure so he will stand there and figure out where that blasted key goes to. And as soon as I yelled "What about moonlight? Can't moonlight be the last light they're talking about in the map?" the moon came out and we see the moonlight light up the key hole that can't be seen any other day of the year. I was a freakin' genius. But did I get credit? No. And then the hobbit kicks the key off the mountain but Thorin shows up and catches it before it falls off the side of Lonely Mountain. Then they go inside and torque off the dragon and he crashes through the side of the mountain bent on destroying the tiny little seaport who aren't smart enough to fish for themselves. And that is how the second part of the trilogy of The Hobbit ended. And all I could think of was why those stupid eagles couldn't have dropped them off at the mountain to begin with. I should have stayed home and slept. My name is Rueuhy and I approve this blog. And that's all I have to say about that.
I could hear them off in the distance. A town filled with desolation and despair from 60 years of economic decline due to one dragon's peculiar addiction to gold. (No. The name of the seaport was not Detroit.) A town lead by a crooked man who just wanted the people to blindlessly follow him. A greasy man who loved his alcohol. And a sidekick who was even greasier and dressed in black. The town itself used to be a hub of merchant trading but ever since the dwarfs lost their mountain to Smaug, economic decay and poverty was their trademark. But now, because of a team of dwarfs and one burglar, the town was threatened with annihilation by the beast who's name is Smaug. This was how Hobbit 2 ended. Our story began with an initial meeting between Gandolph the Grey and Thorin in a tavern. If Gandolph hadn't of shown up, the little dwarf king was about to be (que the music - dum, dum, dummmmm) murdered. So, Thorin and Gandolph agree to take back the mountain. Now, in our first episode of The Hobbit, our troup of adventurers find themselves dropped off on a hill by some really big birds. The Eagles, not to be confused with the group who gave us Hotel California, are no where to be seen in Hobbit 2. In fact, they were pretty embarrassed by the whole rescue scene where they kept dropping the little guys and having to fly in and catch them. But I digress ... the gang of eleven and the wizard and a Hobbit named Bilbo begin the second leg of their journey through a forest filled with evil mutant spiders. Now the evil is so thick that it alters the mind into seeing strange things and causes the traveler to feel confused and disoriented. It reminded me of my senior trip to St. Louis so many years ago. I was 18 and spiders still seemed pretty big to me. And I remember how confused I felt in "the big city". There were no spider webs though. And I was never wrapped up in a cocoon so the similarities are minimal. That's when the elves came. Not the St. Louis elves. Actually, these are the ancient pretty ones. I never actually saw any elves on my senior trip but it wasn't really that time of year. So, the elves save the dwarfs and then throw them in prison. I guess that would be my first instinct after saving someone's life as well. It's pretty typical of an elves' to-do list - 1. Hang out in the forest. 2. Kill the big spiders. 3. Imprison anyone we find in any cocoons. 4. Get yelled at by the head elf 'cause we didn't kill all the spiders the first time. 6. Fall in love with a dwarf which adds NOTHING to our story. Well, it may have given the two elves an excuse to go off on another daring adventure after being ordered not to leave the elf land but how was she supposed to know that when she left without regard for herself cause that one dwarf was soooooo adorable and he had that shiny stone his mother had given him. An elf's life is hard. So Bilbo uses his ring to hide from the bad/good elves and ends up rescuing the dwarves (again). Now escapes are hard, especially when your captors are asleep ten feet away from you. So, the best thing to do is make the loudest noise possible and steel all the wooden barrels. But it does make for an exciting barrel chase/execution down the river with elves jumping on your heads while the ravenous evil orks are trying to kill everybody. So, at this point, the Orks have been outwitted (who could have seen that one coming?) and our heroes continue on down the river. Enter the strange human with a boat. It's at this point one of the wise dwarves decides to reason with the guy in the boat (who just happens to be an important descendant of the marksman who should have shot down the dragon when he first attacked the mountain. He did actually hit the dragon but just knicked him (sort of). So, as convenient coincidences go, this one was very useful in our story. Now fish, when used in any story, are always a crowd pleaser. Especially when you're a dwarf stuffed into a wooden barrel being transported into a convenient city which just happened to be the home of the guy who should have shot down the dragon but didn't and you're covering the heads of the dwarves in the barrels. Fish are useful that way. So, after many confusing chases through the town, and after being hidden by the family of the man who is the descendant of the man who happened to not be a dwarf but served as the human who manned the most advanced weapon using the most advanced iron arrows which are the only one which can pierce the armor of any dragon, our heroes find themselves being given a heroes send off to reclaim their rightful place in the mountain. So, they make their way to the invisible door in the mountain and give up when the sun goes down and all hope is lost. But the Hobbit won't give up. Because he knows the movie needs to last another hour and he needs to get paid for the third episode of this epic adventure so he will stand there and figure out where that blasted key goes to. And as soon as I yelled "What about moonlight? Can't moonlight be the last light they're talking about in the map?" the moon came out and we see the moonlight light up the key hole that can't be seen any other day of the year. I was a freakin' genius. But did I get credit? No. And then the hobbit kicks the key off the mountain but Thorin shows up and catches it before it falls off the side of Lonely Mountain. Then they go inside and torque off the dragon and he crashes through the side of the mountain bent on destroying the tiny little seaport who aren't smart enough to fish for themselves. And that is how the second part of the trilogy of The Hobbit ended. And all I could think of was why those stupid eagles couldn't have dropped them off at the mountain to begin with. I should have stayed home and slept. My name is Rueuhy and I approve this blog. And that's all I have to say about that.
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