Monday, April 7, 2014

A Peaceful Suffering

I basically have two rules in my life.  There is no particular order to them.  In fact, they usually intertwine. Here they are -

1.  I am what I am.
2.  I do what I do.

For many years these rules have served me well.  Have I made mistakes?  Well, of course I have.  Do I have regrets?  Does a bear spit in the woods?  Of course I have regrets.  Have I been married a few times?  Rule #2 has a lot to do with that one.  But yes, even though there have been mistakes and regrets and hardship and pain, for the most part I've lived a full and somewhat productive life.  I've lived and I don't feel like looking back at my life and sighing a lot.  I'm very grateful for the experiences and accomplishments that have come my way.  There was music.  A little dancing.  Some really weird foods.  I've seen magnificent beauty that reminds me there is something so much greater than me.  I've been saved physically and mentally.  I've been redeemed spiritually.  If this is it it's been quite the ride.  But I'm pretty sure there's a few more days ahead of me.  Not 100% sure but it does seem likely.  If I die tonight I have hope for my eternal soul.  Some of you, I would even dare to say a majority, still feel like there is so much you want out of life.  Even a fear of dying.  Because you're just not sure what is beyond that last breath.  I have no great words of wisdom to convince you that you will live on beyond death.  That is something a person must seek out and define on their own.  All I can do is tell you that I have faith for a voyage yet to come for myself.  This is what it boils down to for me - I asked the question.  The question is better left to each individual because it really is one of the most personal questions a person can ask of themselves.  In fact, I can't really define what the question is. The important thing is that you want to ask it.  When that question, that undefinable question, is important enough to ask, each one finds his own question.  And more importantly the answer.  I would even hypothesize that the question really is a deep inner need that can't be defined by human language.  It sits inside festering away at a person's soul until the foul stench causes nausea.  A person can't help but to begin to seek that undefinable truth.  The question lingers there on the tip of the tongue.  For me it could be summarized by futility in life.  Was death a greater alternative?  Not by means of suicide but the absence of what defined normalcy for me.  Could I live with a life void of being totally real?  As I said, the answer wasn't as important as finding the right question. There is a symbolic precipice a man journeys to as he struggles with the trappings that a life has to offer.  If fulfillment is never within reach, is it possible?  Can the material ever really comfort?  Is total trust only found in total abandonment?  I really didn't mean to philosophize but there it is - a journey in a hindered condition.  The closest I can come to really explaining what I'm talking about is the man who injures his arm and asks the doctor if he'll ever play the piano again without knowing how to in the first place.  Do we give up before we give out?  Is the world a limited idea or the entrapment of our possibilities?  I guess, and speak of only myself, there comes a point in a man or woman's life when he or she inexplicably attains an equilibrium with existence.  A realization that life, no matter how complicated and extreme it can be, is negotiable.  And navigational.  To allow love and at the same time to not deny it.  A fortitude of solitude found in your existence deep within the chaos of a society.  Will peace come to you or will you come to peace?  I guess it never truly envelopes us but occasionally our heads hit the pillow at night and the mind doesn't continue in some looped replay of the day.  You merely fall asleep because you can.  And we welcome the rest for we are delightfully weary.  That is the welcomed rest that many seek but don't realize it can be caught.  It just has to become the possible.  My name is Rueuhy and I approve this blog.  Email if you want at rueuhy@gmail.com


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