Thursday, October 10, 2013

Christopher Columbus - Portrait Of Insanity

As a youngster we tend to soak up knowledge.  For some that knowledge comes from books. For others, that knowledge comes from the streets.  I, in fact, was a book smart hoodlum. I soak it up from wherever.  But, I, like anyone else, is limited to the facts given to him or her.  Several facts I remember from school concerning Christopher Columbus are few.  I remember 1492 as the year that Columbus sailed to find India but found the Americas instead.  He had three ships - the Nina, the Pinta, and the San Bernadino.  In fact, to honor his discovery, there is a city that still goes by that name in California.  I also remember how he is credited as the first Spanish-American.  He eventually did build a summer home in North America but was driven out when they discovered he did not have a valid driver's license.  Very little is left of that summer home and compares to the truth about Christopher Columbus today.  The hero our youth are taught about today is far from the actual life of the real Columbus. The following excerpts are from the recently discovered ship's logs kept hidden for thousands of years and recently uncovered during the remodeling at a local Denny's on 6th Street in downtown Westboro, Ohio.

Day 1:     I, Christopher Columbus, embark on a voyage of discovery and expectation much like that party I went to after prom.  I hope this time is different.

Day 2:     Man, there is a lot of water.  And Georgio is already complaining about the food.  I hate Georgio and I don't really care how much his parents paid to fund this little get away - he is really annoying.

Day 3:     Georgio fell overboard last night.  I say good riddance but I'm sure his parents are going to be asking about him.  I know I told everyone I would only be gone for a few days but I just don't think coming back right away is going to be a very wise choice.  We have enough food for a few months.  I'm just going to go west and see what I find.

Day 27:    There always has to be one comedian on board and after a few weeks I found where they hid my diary.  The crew is a little upset with me but they'll be happy once we get to India.  I hear the girls are really crazy there. I'm hoping to find a couple of wives to bring back.  That'll shut up Fonzi.  I hate Fonzi even more than Georgio.  At least I still have some of the sugar Mom packed away.  If the other men ever found out I had sugar for my coffee they would probably mutiny.

Day 72:    I swear, if they hide my diary again I will kill them all.  And the sugar is gone.  They found that too.  Oh what fun the men are having with their sweetened coffee while I have to drink mine black.  I hope they enjoy fish because I am throwing all the food overboard after they go to sleep tonight.  That'll teach 'em.

Day 96:    Well, I officially hate fish now.  I guess next time I throw food overboard I'll have to remember to hide some for myself.  We almost had a fire yesterday because Jonesy decided to have a barbeque.  I know who's gonna go overboard tonight.

Day 132:    I would kill from some fresh underwear right now.  And some sugar.  I noticed the men have been dressing a little different but I'm sure it's just a phase I'm going through.

Day 286:    I hate the sea and I really hate fish.  Things are going well between me and Alberto.  He says that when we get back he's going to make an honest man out of me. I know this relationship is only temporary but sometimes I wish we could just find a new place to live and love each other without the church's inquisitions.  I have to go now.  Someone just yelled about land or something.

Day 318:    He finally asked me to go steady.  Oh my gosh.  I really wish I could find a new outfit.  Everything I own either has fish guts on it or coffee stains.  I don't really care for the people here.  But I do like corn.  I guess Mom was right when she said to not be afraid to try new things.  Well the jokes on her.  Just wait til she meets Alberto.

Day 493:    I guess I'm just not good enough for Alberto.  He fell in love with one of the savages here.  I'm thinking about bringing him and his little tart's family back for a little slave trading.  And Alberto can be sold as well.  If he makes it back to Spain.  I really miss sugar for my coffee.

Day 561:    Well I guess the Queen just thinks that anyone can find India.  And she didn't believe Alberto was Indian either.  At least the trip is over.  Now I have to explain to Mom what all the marks are from. I am never going to sea again.

Day 632:    You know sometimes you swear up and down that you'll never do something and then someone hands you a ton of money and supplies and more ships and makes you an offer of being famous and ending up in the history books?  Well, so begins another voyage and this time I'm hiding the sugar.

Day 632 was the last record of Christopher Columbus and what else is known of him can be summarized this way - he initiated slave trade between this new world and his old world.  He brought Native Americans back as slaves and sold them as such.  He was wrong about a lot of things and he should be the last person on earth to have a holiday named after him.  but that's just my opinion.  If you doubt me then do a little research on your own.

My name is Rueuhy and I approve this blog.

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