Politically Speaking I Don't Like You

Anonymity is the best disguise. At least that's what Herbert Hoober once said. He wasn't really known for anything. He joked that the only thing that separated him from being president was a "b". No one really knew him except for a few fellow park bench bird feeders in central park. Everyday, around 11am, he would sit down with the rest of the bird feeders in central park and spend a few minutes throwing bread crumbs to those nasty little creatures. He would supply the bread and the birds would pelt my car with their refuse. Not exactly the best situation but he did own the car wash down a couple of blocks and he would give me free tokens as a way of saying "I'm sorry". Of course I would still take out my bb gun around 11:30 everyday and try my luck. Stupid creatures. But Herbert was an idealist. He would ponder the greater meaning of life and give you whatever he came up with. One day, quite by accident, he was hit by an exterminator while crossing the street. Obviously the exterminator felt that it was a waste of his time and resources to try to get rid of the birds when Herbert and his buddies would continue feeding them on a daily basis. Herbert felt no ill will towards the man but the lawsuit he filed against the man's company certainly helped in buying the daily bread and a car wash. And Herbert would recognize these funny little moments and say something extra ordinary such as "Money doesn't grow on trees but it helps buy bread." He was a pure genius. And it was little euphemisms, such as that one, that would cause you to scratch your head a little and then laugh your butt off when its true meaning hit you on the side of your head. Usually the same side you were scratching to begin with. Yeah, everybody who knew Herbert would tell you the same thing. Herbert was way ahead of his time. But that's only because he would set his watch ten minutes fast. And Herbert was always doing stuff like that. If he had a faucet leaking he would take a big hose and fit it over the end of the faucet and run the hose outside over the the neighbor's door downstairs. Then he would call them up and ask them if it was raining. Pure genius. But there were few who really knew Herbert. He was a quiet genius. But he was always reflecting on the nature of the world and our part within it. He would never let a moment go by that had extra ordinary potential. He was very sensitive to such moments. One day, several years ago, while plowing the garden on his roof, he stopped and looked out over the horizon. He chuckled to himself and went on. He was always doing things like that. And he was quite the innovator. For years people had buckled or tied their shoes. Herbert was tired of wasting all that time. At first he developed the velcro strips to hold the flaps together. And then it hit him. Reaching into his kitchen drawer he pulled out the magnetic discs he had been saving (I'm not sure what's all in that drawer but it nearly falls out everytime from the weight) and he sews them in one side. Then he took the broken fork he'd been saving (in that same drawer) and developed the first magnetic flap fastening system ever for a shoe. Of course it wouldn't catch on until a Nike executive just happened to be walking in Central Park one day. But Herbert never really wanted money. He just wanted something easier that would work for him. It was this same attitude that created the hostility Herbert felt towards politics. Anytime someone would bring up an election or some other mention of politics Herbert would say the same thing. "They're just a bunch of jerks without the expertise of even trying to be jerks." That was one phrase of Herbert's that took a few years to really grasp the true meaning Herbert was intending. Herbert had no love for any of the process. And it was personal. Herbert had lost his wife to politics. One day, while Herbert was weeding his garden on the roof, he heard his wife of thirty three years yell out the window, "I'm leaving you, you Schmuck!" and that was the last he ever heard from her. It wasn't until years later that he learned the awful truth of the cabinet position she was chosen for and had left him for. Secretary of the exterior was not a well known position but a position none the less. And he was never sure how she was qualified for such a post or how she even knew the president. But Herbert vowed that day to never forgive the president or politics in general. For Herbert, even though he couldn't stand the old hag, was still a man of principle. You don't just leave your husband after two or three decades 'cause the president asks you to. And especially for a post that no one's ever heard of. Herbert died a lonely and fruitless man. He would always regret never planting any fruits in that garden he loved. But the Herbert we remember was a man who would always be remembered for those free tokens. Now I have to pay for those car washes. But my aim with the air pistol has gotten a lot better. And the birds are a little bit more skinny. Sometimes you just have to let life catch up to you. Or set your watch a few minutes slow. My name is Rueuhy and I approve this blog.