The Greatest Scientific Breakthrough Not Yet Achieved

The thirst for knowledge would forever stir the creative and analytical mind of Dr. Terrence B. Davidson-Meyers, Jr. It drove him to research in the areas of mind control and altered-pacificitic altruism. In fact, no one had ever heard the term altered-pacificitic altruism until Dr. Terrence B. Davidson-Meyers, Jr. had coined the term in the early 90's. It was just one of those things. But the real story here is the breakthrough, perhaps the biggest breakthrough in research and development of any kind in the twentieth century, that the good doctor discovered quite by accident. And as with many discoveries discovered quite by accident, Mr. Dr. Terrence B. Davidson-Meyers, Jr. would not understand the full ramifications of his discovery until the end of his life. It was just one of those things. So, as the story goes, Dr. Davidson-Meyers, Jr. was working on a formula for dry roasted chocolate. A few had attempted this marvelous delicacy for many years but no one had refined the dry roasting process necessary for chocolate. This is what drove the good doctor more than anything. The desire to create something few had attempted and even fewer would recognize for its greatness. The doctor didn't get out of the lab much but when he did he never failed to make it to the 7 eleven for a quick fix of chocolate. It was the melting part he hated the most. Many an afternoon he would reach into his pocket after remembering he had some chocolate only to find a soggy mess that had melted inside his pants. And if it was one thing Dr. Terrence B. Davidson-Meyers, Jr. could not stand, it was a soggy mess in his pants. So, out of desperation for a solution the good doctor used the cancer research money he had been funded with to solve this dilemma that pierced his very core. How many times had he went to reach for that tasty treat in his pants only to pull out his hand covered in a huge brown concoction. The time was right and mankind would just have to wait for the cure for cancer. There are moments when we receive such clarity, such insight into our own well-being and this was one for Dr. Terrence B. Davidson-Meyers, Jr. So, like any good researcher knew, the answer could only be found through buying more equipment. It was at this moment our story takes on a new twist. The doctor understood a lot of chocolate would be required but forgot, temporarily, the effects of chocolate on the human digestive system. He also temporarily forgot that 7 Eleven was closed for the week for repairs from the incident involving the broken brakes on the bulldozer working across the street. He also temporarily forgot his diabetes. But, all of that did not matter at all to our story. It was the bathroom break that he would have to take before he went to the 7 Eleven. His favorite breakfast consisted of two bowls of Count Chocula breakfast cereal and this would result in a 10:am bathroom break every morning. But, in his excitement upon starting his newest research project Dr. Terrence B. Davidson-Meyers, Jr. forgot about his daily 10:am break because it was only 9:45 and he would never jump the gun on things of this triviality. So our doctor was out the door on his latest mission. It wasn't until 9th and Edwards street that the doctor was reminded of his 10:am routine. He ran. He ran as fast as he could back to the lab but alas he was too late. As he got off the elevator turned backwards toward the unfortunate people who shared that elevator ride the brilliant doctor came up with another breakthrough in a long line of breakthroughs. He would solve the dilemma that faced every man, woman, and child on this planet. The equalizer of the rich and poor. The trait we all had in common. Some refer to it as the poopy dance. Others refer to it as the "I gotta go and you have to let me in now!" yell. But we've all been there. The need to evacuate the waste products that have accumulated within our own body. So the doctor started his newest research in a two step process. One -understand the electrical impulses that cannot be overridden by any internal command from our brain. Two - develop an internal mechanism by which we can control when and if we evacuate those waste by-products of food and drink intake. The doctor would spend the remaining years of his career to find such an answer. After 40+ years of funding, de-funding, gambling, begging, and borrowing Dr. Terrence B. Davidson-Meyers, Jr. had the answer. It was a warm brisk morning on April 5th, 2036 that Dr. Terrence B. Davidson-Meyers, Jr. exited his lab and walked briskly down the street to his favorite 7 Eleven for his daily fix of chocolate. Triumphant and jubilant the good doctor had the answer. A little bit of mind control combined with self-hypnosis and a pill he liked to call anti-laxative, Dr. Terrence B. Davidson-Meyers walked happily down the street toward his local 7 Eleven. It was at that very moment that luck and a sleepy taxi-cab driver would meet Dr. Terrence B. Davidson-Meyers, Jr. on that fateful day. The doctor would never wake up from the coma and would die seven years later with a secret he alone would know. The answer to the most common problem mankind had always faced and never conquered. He had the answer but like any foolish mad scientist will tell you it was his and his alone. No one would ever see the notes or find the hard drives he kept the files on. No one would steal his greatest triumph. And no one would ever know without his name being known as the founder of Terrence B. Davidson-Meyers, Jr.'s alpha derivative. The hours of waiting for the bathroom would have been saved for millions. The untold accidents from drivers speeding home to go #1. All of this was the dream for Dr. Terrence B. Davidson-Meyers, Jr. and no one would ever know he had solved this greatest problem for mankind. It was fortunate that 10 years earlier his young assistant, who had diverted money to the cancer research the lab was originally given, had worked tirelessly towards an answer and discovered the cure. But true greatness can only be measured by the amount of benefactors of such work. It is true that his assistant was responsible for saving the lives of millions. But who can measure the suffering of billions who have ever stood outside the only bathroom door and yelled, "Hey, what the heck are you doing in there? Are you gonna be done soon?" Only history can give us the answer. My name is Rueuhy and I approve this blog.