The Silent Scream

Justin always hated the annual doctor's checkup his sister underwent at St. Elias Memorial. The smell of bleach and other assorted cleaning agents gave the hospital that disinfectant smell he hated so much. But his mother always insisted the whole family would accompany his sister for moral support. "She doesn't even know we're here Mom.", Justin would argue. His mother, a third generation immigrant from the land or Ireland would hold firm with her convictions. "She knows Justin." She would look directly into his eyes and always repeat that simple phrase. "She knows." Justin hated the trips and the visits to St. Elias. The staff would always play the 'understanding and caring' people they were paid so well to imitate. Justin was pessimistic by nature. Perhaps it was living with the constant threat of death he had grown up with. His father, a lay preacher and construction foreman, would always remind Justin "It's just a matter of time. Try to be a little bit more understanding. God gives us the answers when we least expect them." His father was always saying stupid stuff like that. "God" ,Justin thought, "is the strong but silent type." For his entire life his father had quoted the bible to him and to whoever else would listen. "He will reveal Himself in the little things Justin. It's just our job to look for it." His father was rather quiet this day. Justin had just returned from the cafeteria to find his mother and father sitting down as sad as he had ever seen them. Doctor Allen was speaking to them but there didn't seem to be much reaction from either of them as the doctor was continuing on in the silent movie on display. Justin had grown up watching the doctor who used his hands as much as words to express himself. Today was different. His head hung lower than usual and his hands were stuffed into his coat in a manner of retreat. His mother was holding her head with both hands and shaking her head. And his father's eyes had such sadness. This was not going to end well. Justin held back for a moment and waited for the doctor to finish. As he stepped away Justin approached his parents. "What's going on?" he asked. His mother slumped over and turned to his father. In a reflexive nature, his father grabbed her and held her close. He could see his mother shaking. Then the tears came. "Dad?" The silence was deafening as his father looked up at him. Taylor Smith had always found just the right words for those he ministered to but this was different. His son remained for answers but they wouldn't come. Finally, when his son would not turn away, the silence was broken. "She dying Justin. And there's nothing we can do to stop it. It's time to say goodbye." His father had always spoken with an air of hope and gratitude but there was only emptiness and betrayal in his voice now. Justin could see that his father had no peace about the news. "Dad?" Justin continued to plead with his eyes for his father to say more but his father remained a barrier between his wife and the coldness of the world. Perhaps he would find out from Doctor Allen what was going on with Jenna. "I'll be right back. Okay Dad?" His father silently shook his head in agreement. Justin chased after the doctor and caught up with him in at the nurse's station. "What's going on with Jenna?" Justin asked. The doctor was used to dealing with just the parents and felt uncomfortable with this teen asking him these type of questions. "Perhaps your mother and father ..." Justin cut him off before he could complete his thought. "I want to hear it from you. She's dying soon, isn't she?" The doctor lowered his gaze and slowly nodded. "How long Doc? A month? Weeks?" Justin couldn't understand how quickly this day was turning into a nightmare. "It might be weeks or it could be as early as tonight. The disease has progressed beyond treatment. It's accelerated so quickly in the past month. The only thing we can do is just make her comfortable now." As the doctor finished speaking he placed his hand on Justin's shoulder and tried to reassure him. "Your parents are going to need you now more than ever. You have to learn to be strong Justin." He had heard the words but they weren't making sense at the moment. His parents were the strong ones. He was their child. Who was going to be strong for him? As the questions surfaced he made his way to the room his sister was waiting in. As he stepped inside he saw her with her chair facing the window looking at the grounds below. She had a solemn look of one who had made a tough decision. As he sat down beside her he decided she was the one that needed someone to be strong for more than his parents. "Jenna. It's me, Justin. You okay?" She remained silent as she had for her entire life. But he could see something stirring in her eyes. It had always been her eyes that spoke to him. And this day was no different. "Are you scared, Jenna?" Her head turned ever so slightly towards him and her eyes opened up to their fullest. It was the closest to communication she had. "Jenna, mom and dad are outside but they'll be in in a little bit. You know I love you, right?" A tear slowly formed in the corner of Jenna's eye and with the strength he had never seen before, Jenna slowly raised her head and lowered it. "I know you're probably scared but if everything dad says about the bible and all is true, you're gonna meet God soon." Jenna and Justin slowly looked at each other for a moment and it was in that moment that Justin finally felt at peace for the first time in in a long time. Since the family first found out about the debilitating disease that Jenna was diagnosed with, their lives had changed. Everyday was a constant battle. Just a simple trip to the store with Jenna had become difficult. Everyday his parents would tell him the same thing. "One day she won't be with us anymore. You need to be more understanding." It had become such a repeated phrase that he literally felt a scream form deep within him. He always referred to it as the "silent scream" when he spoke to his friends. They tried to understand but couldn't. And now, today, that scream was silenced. As he looked at her he realized he had wasted so much time in his own suffering that he didn't see her for who she truly was. "I'm sorry Jenna, for not being a better brother. I'm sorry for not seeing your pain before my own. It just hurt so much inside. I wanted to be your friend but I held you being sick against you. I'm so sorry. I love you." The tears started and wouldn't stop. He reached out to her and stood up to hug her. As he held her as tight as he had ever remembered hugging her, he heard the slightest noise coming from her. Although the doctors had said it would be impossible for her to speak, to his last day he would always remember her mumble, in the lowest whisper, "I love you". And tears fell from her eyes as well. He felt his father's hand on his shoulder as his parents came up behind them. It would be the last time they would all be together. But it was the beginning for Justin. The world seemed so much brighter as the darkness lifted. My name is Rueuhy and I approve this blog.