When To Say No

If Nancy Reagan taught us anything, it was how to say "no". To just say "no". Simple but effective. She never lingered near "maybe" or "just this once". For Nancy, no meant no. This is a hard concept for many. We see it everyday. People will repeat "No way!!" over and over again. A mother will yell "NO!" at her child in Walmart over and over again. Does she mean "No!" or is she merely creating a possibility for the child to contemplate. (Mommy, I know you said no but I'm going to chance it because last time there wasn't really any consequences that would imply your negative position on running through the store meant much and was just an opinion and not really backed up by punishment.) As children we learned who was really in charge of us and who we were in charge of. The tired parent who wakes up and dreads the constant battle with Timmy. Timmy is rambunctious but would listen if he knew and understood the boundaries with mommy. We've all experienced "that" child who never knew why his mummy was always yelling but didn't let it stop him from throwing stuff at the supermarket. We will hear "I'm going to count to three" and then the break down into fractions between 2 and 3. And then the child looks up and the mother's finished counting. Somewhere, off in the distance, we hear an announcer talking to the crowd. "Let's give Mrs. Marple a round of applause for finishing the count for the millionth time. For her next trick we're gonna hear her threaten the child with some form of bodily harm which will not come to fruition due to the fact the child never got the memo about who was in charge." I don't mean to make it sound like mother's are the usual culprits because we've all seen the father's who are guilty of these things as well. The biggest problem with these type of extreme cases is the adulthood these children will face. The punishment will come. Although it arrives in the form of a pink slip at work because the boss just didn't understand the dynamics of his relationship with the employee. "Mother always let me sleep in" the employee thinks. "Why won't that mean boss let me do the same?" Or the traffic stop by the officer who just doesn't understand that the 'rules' of the road are merely suggestions by which to drive by and don't apply to the child who never really understood the meaning of guidelines. Because the parent never really enforced them. How many times have we seen the same name repeated in the police report in the local paper and couldn't fathom how a person reaches adulthood and continues to break the law. And I'm not implying that repeat offenders are always the children of weak parents. On the contrary, there are many model parents who have seen their children grow up to find themselves in and out of prison for the rest of their lives. That's a different problem altogether. But the parents of the children who just can't seem to find it in their hearts to break the hearts of their children will find that it is much easier to discipline the child for the first 18 years rather than bail them out of the endless stream of jams for the next 40 years. The father that never had the heart to tell his little darling "no" on a purchase will discover just how deep his pockets really are when the child keeps coming for the really expensive "gifts" that require titles and deeds. At some point the parent will open their eyes and say to themselves "What have I done?". "I should have been firm when they were asking for lollipops instead of vehicles." The hardest part for me, as a parent, is sticking with the truth. And the truth is, money and finances don't increase just because it seems like a neat idea or my child might not have the same as his friends and he might get mad at me. The sadness in their eyes is bad but bearable. It's the sadness in their hearts when life tells them "no" when they're grown and you REALLY can't afford to make it all better for them that is unbearable. Because the child doesn't even understand that "no" is there for their own safety or well-being. And how will they ever understand the difference between a gift given through love and reward and a "gift" given through manipulation and threats. Children need our love through understanding and patience. Even if the patience is more on our part then on theirs. There is an old song with a lyric that tells us "One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do." And that may be true. But "No" is the loneliest word when your defiant child can't even fathom the implications of what it's supposed to mean. I know many good parents out there doing it well. But every once in awhile, while I'm standing in line at Walmart, and the child in front of me is standing in the cart and wailing about the need for a candy bar, I think back to that lyric and think "One is the loneliest number but it saves us from reproducing at times." Then I watch as the child hurts themselves and the parent doesn't understand how that could have been avoided in the first place. By a single word - "No." - and the child understanding the terms in which his safety and well-being depend upon. My name is Rueuhy and I approve this blog.